According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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