he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
