You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
