put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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