a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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