Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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