Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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