so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
