Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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