Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
being pregnant is like rehab
This baby is an asshole
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
