Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I look better un-naked...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
