i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
