When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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