Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
