When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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