I haven't been this sober since birth.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
