She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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