i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
