giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
