I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
