I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
