You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Randomize
