My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
