i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You're like the curious george of whores
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize