Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
