I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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