I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
