she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize
