if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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