So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
