I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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