Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
