my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You don't make any sense
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