there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
