If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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