He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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