I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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