There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
