chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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