Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
