Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
