I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize