I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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