There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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