Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
