Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
