I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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