I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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