Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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