i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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