"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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