benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
