Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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