SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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