cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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