mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
