If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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