I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
