I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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