Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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